Deleted Scenes From HP!
by jennifer snape
Summary: Very short scenes! Arthur can’t get over crazy Muggle inventions like toilet paper and furniture. Moody tries in vain to tell Neville about Gillyweed, and the final battle is fought....alone, by Harry, naturally.


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Arthur can't get over crazy Muggle inventions like toilet paper and furniture. Moody tries to tell Neville about Gillyweed, and the final battle is fought (alone, by Harry, naturally).

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Spoof of our much-loved hero Harry Potter! I hope you enjoy it!

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Scene 1: Arthur can never quench his thirst for knowledge:

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Arthur: "Good grief! What's this strange Muggle invention?"

Molly: "Toilet paper, Arthur."

Arthur (blinking in surprise): "Those crazy Muggles! What will they think of next! And what's this?"

Molly: "That's a chair, dear."

Arthur (in same incredulous tone): "Well I never! Those bizarre Muggles! And what's this?"

Molly: "That's your hand, Arthur."

Arthur: "Those Muggles! No end to their craziness!"

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Scene 2: The most probable reason behind the terrible things that keep happening at Hogwarts:

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Minerva: "Where shall we keep the Philosopher's stone, the one thing that Voldemort wants more than anything, and will kill for?"

Albus (knitting): "Let's keep it in the school!"

Minerva: "And where shall we host the Triwizard tournament, which is easily open to infiltration by Dark Magic and may well claim the lives of the competitors?"

Albus (popping a sherbert lemon into his mouth): "Let's have it at the school!"

Minerva: "The Dementors are a wee bit lonely since leaving Azkaban…."

Albus (emptying an entire carton of Bertie Bott's beans into his mouth): "Let's invite them to the school!"

Minerva: "Shall we put unbreakable wards around the Forbidden Forest so that students will not venture there and get hurt?"

Albus: "No, let's just ask them nicely not to wander in."

Minerva (in adoration): "Thank you for sorting everything out! I wish I was as clever as you."

Albus (modestly): "So does everyone, my dear."

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Scene 3: Moody and Neville's conversation (deleted from Book 4 because it actually went on for four hours):

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Moody (Barty Crouch): "Tell Potter to use Gillyweed for the second task."

Neville looks at him blankly.

Moody (BC): "Tell Potter to use Gillyweed."

Neville blinks.

Moody (BC): "TELL - POTTER - GILLYWEED - TASK – USE - "

Neville: "Tell Harry what now?"

Moody (BC) with gritted teeth: "I gave you a book about plants."

Neville brightens. "Ah yes." Finally, a topic he understands!

Moody (BC): In it there is a chapter about GILLYWEED.

Neville (nodding enthusiastically): "Oh yes, I remember the one!"

Moody (BC) with steam coming out of his ears: "Tell Potter to USE it for the - "

Neville (confused): "Tell who sorry?"

Moody (BC): POTTER!

Neville: "And what am I telling him again?"

Moody chooses to kill himself rather than continue with this conversation.

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Scene 4: The likely end to the final battle, based on all that has happened before:

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Everyone: "Arrgh! There's Voldemort!"

Snape: "400 points from Gryffindor."

Minerva: "Shall we summon our outstanding team of Aurors and the most powerful wizard that Voldemort has ever feared (Dumbledore) to deal with him?"

Dumbledore (eager to get out of this sticky situation): "Nah, let Harry sort it out."

Everyone scuttles away, leaving Harry facing Voldemort. He is surrounded by a 10 deep wall of Death-Eaters.

Dumbledore (from a distance): "Just call us when you've finished, Harry."

Voldemort raises his wand.

"AVADA KEDAVRA! IMPERIO! SECTUMSEMPRA! EXPELLIARMUS!" The curses hit Harry squarely in the chest.

Nothing happens.

Harry fumbles for his wand and says 'err….' Fifty Death-Eaters immediately drop dead, the rest are instantaneously immobilised in body-bind curses, and every single bit of Dark Magic within a 250-mile radius gets obliterated.

(Fortunately for Harry, 'err….' is a special kind of ancient magic that no-one ever knew about).

Voldemort runs away and stubs his toe on a rock. He drops dead. (Another convenient effect of the ancient magic).

Remus (to Harry): "Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are just like Lily's?"

Harry: "Only 467 times"

Dumbledore (crouching under a table): "Has Harry got rid of Voldemort yet?"

Ron's ears turn pink.

Minerva (rolling her eyes): "Yes Albus."

Dumbledore: "Oooh good!" He turns to Harry. "Harry, go home to Privet Drive and spend the rest of the holidays in abject misery."

He turns to everyone else. "Let's all have knitted fizzing whizzbees to celebrate! Oh dear Fawkes has died again. Oh, now he's alive again. Oh now he's died again."

Snape: "5000 points from Gryffindor."

Hermione (back from the library): Did I miss anything?

The End

(Ron's ears turn pink)

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Deleted Scene 4a: Prequel to the battle:

(The Auror in the following scene wishes to remain anonymous. So in the interest of anonymity, we will only refer to him as the tall, black Auror whose initials are K.S.)

Kingsley Shackelbolt: "Thank you."

Author: "You're welcome, Kingsley."

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Anonymous Auror: "Oh no - Voldemort is going to attack! What shall we do?"

Dumbledore: "Let Harry take care of him."

Anonymous Auror: "But how do we know if that's the right decision?"

Dumbledore (rolling his eyes): "If Harry dies, then we'll know for next time not to let an inexperienced 12-year-old take on the Darkest ever wizard known to man."

Anonymous Auror (in adoration): "I see now why they call you the wisest wizard ever. I wish I had half your brain."

Albus (modestly): "So does everyone, my dear man. So does everyone."

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I hope you enjoyed that! I've always loved Arthur, and how Muggle inventions always surprise him but never make anyone else bat an eyelid. Poor Harry was left to sort out the final battle, but as usual did an excellent job! Good for you, Harry!

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